"this time things will be different - and you're gonna see"

You think you could stop, if that’s what you really wanted. If you found the person that made you want to. You can see yourself with them, but then wonder how it could work, how you could possibly do it at all. They have work, you have school. Time is definitely an issue. But maybe you’re getting ahead of yourself... you could be over-thinking things, like you said you wouldn’t. It’s hard, because you don’t know if they would want it, too.

You found it funny how they said they didn’t expect it – that all they wanted was to see you again, after 5 months of sporadic communication. You think they thought you were all talk, that every hint dropped and innuendo were just for fun. Nothing else. But then they were surprised. You knew.

You sometimes think that you know the distance of a relationship when you meet someone. You knew what would happen, or maybe you just wanted it enough that you did what you had to in order to get it. Either way, they let you have it. Or you convinced them that they should let you, whatever.

People don’t always respond well to the explanations you give for things, the comments you make. They are often too honest, too open, and therefore confronting. But you’re not trying to scare them off – nor impress them – though somehow it seems that they don’t know how to respond. It may be that they don’t want to hurt your feelings – the feelings that never get hurt – and so, try to hide their judgement, or tone it down and say “you’re funny” which depending on who said it can mean “WTF”, “You’re a psycho, get away”, or an infinite number of other answers.

You know that other people don’t like what you’re doing. Some pretend to admire you, others don’t know what to think. It doesn’t bother you what they think, but it bothers you what you think.

According to someone tonight, you need to wear a warning label. Told to: “get away from insert boy’s name here and go home.” Uhm, ok? Firstly, you’re allowed to talk to people, that’s not a crime. Secondly, you’re not a slut that picks up and wants to shag randoms from a party, particularly not randoms that have ANY connection to her. You ignore it, but are laughing your guts out inside.

Ah. Life.

"russian roulette"

Period: 3
No. of periods missed today: 1
Number of teachers you'd like to throw furniture at: 2
General outlook: sarcastic

You're sitting in Ancient History, having a mental, and now, a typed rant about how the assignment you're supposed to be working on lacks purpose. Yeah, so what - you're supposed to show that you know your stuff. Great. But who gives a shit if you know your stuff or not? Usually,even though it's a pretend context, the assignment tells you who you're meant to address and why. But, alas, not this one... THIS one is shit!

Ahhhh... anyway. You don't think you can start your assignment now, you're too worked up. It's okay though, you're going to lunch across the road today and you're missing period four as well, so no biggie, you'll just relax a little...

"the antithesis of Athens"

You haven't blogged in a little while, you've been just a touch busy. Someone the other day, you think it was the principal, said that you create work for yourself, you make yourself busy, and that's true. You waste no time.





It was your birthday last week, on the Wednesday. It was an alright day, with the exception of having to get up early for morning class that day. But you made cupcakes the night before. That reminds you, you need to put up a picture of your cupcake on this blog sometime.





You are pretty happy right now. =) Someone is making you happy. You like that this is so much more simple than the last person. There are no lies or tricks or sneaking. They came over to your house on the weekend and you didn't have to hide them. It was great. The only annyoing part was the fact that your family decided to give you "The Talk" as soon as they left. Thanks, Guys. Thanks a lot.



You were on the phone to them tonight and they make you laugh. They can be very distracting, but that's okay. You're there to be distracted by them. That is kind of the point. You wish that your phone chargers would be less retarded so that your phone can charge properly. Now that would be nice. Why is technology so difficult? It took you almost four hours to burn a cd for retreat. That's because iTunes decided to be annoyingly ignorant of its ability to burn cd's. And then you found Roxio and it worked for you. Bingo.



You also had a pretty philosophical conversation then too, but you wish you could have taken more time to concentrate on it because it

"implying sun and summer"

The thing is, you always start a post and then leave it, saying you'll finish it later, but you never really end up saying what you intended to anyway. So you'll start on something else. Today is actually the first day of year twelve. It feels no different, and you didn't miss the boring powerpoints that are put up to annoy you at school either.

Grrrr. You can't be bothered right now, so you'll write later....

"making electricity..."

Here you are, you're sitting, wondering whether anything has changed. You don't feel different. Should you? It's not a huge deal at all. Not unless you make it one. You don't feel guilty, or anything like that. You feel, tired, well, that's nothing unusual. You're wondering if anyone will notice, if anyone cares. You think not. Nobody will care, and that's a good thing.



You hate how the position you're in right now prevents you from telling the world at the greatest decibel you can muster how happy you are. It's okay to keep secrets, but some are just too good to keep to yourself. You want everyone to know, but they can't - or else you'll be shot. And that is obviously not a good option. Some people won't accept your secret. Most people, in fact, wouldn't, but one person does. That one person makes having a secret completely worthwhile. They don't see you as a child, because you're not. They accept the fact that you're clever and mature, and able to cope with the secret you're harbouring.



You're thinking about the things you say sometimes about looking back on every day differently. It makes you think, I don't look on today with anything different. You didn't shake your head or feel like crying like that other time, it's totally different.

You sigh, just bcause you're tired and everything hurts. It has all just been a little too much and you feel slightly overwhelmed. But it's good that it has been a little too much because now you know your limits and boundaries. You realise that you need to try to relax next time. Don't stress. You keep playing it over and over in your head, remembering the things you liked, and how you felt uninhibted. Felt like nothing could stop you. You felt a kind of energy and serenity at the same time. How bizarre. Anyway, you can't go back now.

So you've taken a fall? Yeah, maybe, but you've hit the ground running.

"A leash is only a rope with a noose at both ends..."

"mea maxima culpa"

Sometimes, like last night, and like right now you feel like you're walking towards something bad. You know that its not going to be good for you and the people that rule your life won't accept it, but you chase it anyway. Without it you feel empty because its your soul, your ambition, your life. If you give it up, you'll be giving up life.


You could give it up if you wanted to... but that's the thing. You don't want to.



You found a book to write your to-do list in. You're hoping that people respect your privacy enough to keep out of it.

"I never got out. I surrendered to the grocery man - to the deckhand on the ferryboat - to the owner of the pool-room. You don't run things around here. You don't run things around here. You've never run things anywhere... ...You've only added youself to the things they ran."

We can sacrifce..." -can we?

Here you are again... You once said that we, or people, looked back on each day, feeling something different. Sometimes we feel happiness. Sometimes regret. Sometimes we feel pathetic or sad or awful. Sometimes we could care less. Sometimes you don't know what to feel. Sometimes you know exactly how and exactly why.

You're not much of a planner in general, but you plan to be. You find that last line so funny you posted it on facebook as your status. You like talking to nice strangers on facebook, not the stalker ones. They're creepy. You like getting to know people that interest you. You really like people a couple of (or like seven) years older than you. Their lives have direction and you like that too.

You don't like being forced into anything. Usually, if someone tries, you play along a little bit so that they aren't disappointed. But then you feel revolted. Not becuase you didn't like what happened - that's only a fraction of it - but because it's not what you wanted in the first place.



You wish you had a time machine, so that things could be different. This is only for your benefit, you don't care if it changes someone else's fortune for the worse. You would like to erase all the "waste of time" endeavours and reunite with the good old days. You want to be able to live life they way you've learned to - only, back then. That way you'd have been safe.

It's too early in life to think the way you do, Steph. You're so ahead of your time that people don't or won't accept what you do because you're too young to think the way you do.

What can you do?

"One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics

is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."